


i am such a fool (chasing after nothing great)

by chopinseimei



Series: fool [1]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, yuzuru hanyu: king of realising he's in love at the worst time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 05:41:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14372130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chopinseimei/pseuds/chopinseimei
Summary: “Yuzu,” the younger cuts in. Breathes in again, bunches up the sheets in his hands. “I’m in love with you.”





	i am such a fool (chasing after nothing great)

Yuzuru is just about to drift off when there’s a knock on his door.

He sits up, a little bleary, and rubs at his eyes with the sleeve of his too-small sweater before slowly getting up. Whoever it is knocks again, a little softer and maybe a little hesitant, and Yuzuru calls out a quick ‘give me a second!’ before tugging the sweater down a little and half-jogging over to the door. He opens it a little and knows who it is immediately; he’d recognise that messy hair anywhere.

“Shoma!” Yuzuru doesn’t pick up on how the younger skater looks more tired than usual, how he avoids his gaze. Just smiles, and then, voice a little croaky, “do you need something?”

“Um,” Shoma’s breath seems to hitch, and he runs a hand through his hair. He does that when he’s nervous, Yuzuru’s noticed. “Can I… come in? I need to talk to you.” now Yuzuru frowns; Shoma hasn’t been this shy with him for a while, and earlier during the day he’d been perfectly fine. He hopes he hasn’t gone to check what people are saying about him again; it’s a bad habit of Shoma’s, Yuzuru knows, because he’s seen the way that the younger skater will scroll through random sites during breaks, eyes glimmering in a way he’s grown to know as concealed hurt. And he’s seen what they  _ do _ say, the disgusting language they throw around as if it’s nothing- it’s why Yuzuru doesn’t go on social media much these days. He feels his heart ache a little, along with the slight anger clawing it’s way into his mind at the thought of people saying those horrible things about his best friend.

“Come in.” he says a little abruptly, opening the door wider. Shoma smiles gratefully, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Yuzuru closes the door behind them, and he swears that for a brief moment after he turns back around he can see Shoma’s eyes lingering on the spot where his sweater keeps riding up on his stomach. “Is.. something wrong?” Shoma shakes his head, face flushing a little.

“I need- I need to tell you something.” he’s quiet again, shuffling across the room awkwardly and sitting on Yuzuru’s bed. He looks uncomfortable- out of place- and it’s suddenly hard to remember that just a few days ago they’d both been sitting there, playing video games without a care in the world.

“Shoma.” Yuzuru says, perhaps a bit too firm. “You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want t-”

“Yuzu,” the younger cuts in. Breathes in again, bunches up the sheets in his hands. “I’m in love with you.”

“Oh.” Shoma’s expression hardly changes, the only giveaway of his emotions the glimmer in his eyes and the slight tremble of his hand as it runs through his hair slowly. And Yuzuru can’t speak, can’t even bring himself to say anything because it  _ hurts. _

Because Yuzuru doesn’t feel the same.

And it’s silent, and Shoma’s looking down at his shaking hands, and Yuzuru wishes he could go over there and comfort him now but this moment is too fragile, still a fresh wound, and he knows better. He knows better. But he still wants to hug him, still wants to hold him close and apologise even though this is noone’s fault, still wants to say something despite the fact that he _ can’t. _

“Shoma, I- I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” the younger’s eyes flicker up, expression unreadable. “I don’t.. I don’t- feel the same. I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Shoma laughs- a small, sad thing- and Yuzuru feels his heart break all over again. “I just had to tell you.”

His voice is so, so quiet, and suddenly, Yuzuru’s remembering a conversation they’d had a few months ago, sitting together after watching a film. “Have you..” Shoma had murmured, voice soft. “have you ever fallen in love before?” and maybe it was the fact that the light from the TV was slowly dimming, or Yuzuru’s sleepiness, but Shoma had only looked vulnerable in hindsight.

And then Yuzuru had said no, and Shoma had just smiled and went back to scrolling through his phone, and he hadn’t noticed it at all.

“..how long?” Yuzuru’s voice is nearly a whisper, and he coughs to hide the way his voice breaks.

“Years.” he sounds so sure of himself, even with his expression slowly crumbling, and Yuzuru has to wonder how long Shoma’s been planning this for. The almost robotic way he’s acting is unsettling at best and Yuzuru’s sick with himself at the slight relief that comes with the tears pooling in Shoma’s eyes. “It was stupid of me. I fell in love with you when I saw you skating, and I thought that maybe getting to know you properly would make it go away somehow.” he chokes out a laugh. “Turns out that just made things  _ worse.” _

“Shoma..” Yuzuru’s words fall flat at Shoma’s expression; completely helpless, yet so resigned in a way. He doesn’t need to ask to know how long it took for Shoma to know that things wouldn’t work out.

“You’re just so..” he makes a vague sort of gesture, before quickly scrubbing at his eyes. Yuzuru can’t move. “You’re just so  _ perfect,  _ and I felt like I- I was somehow- taking advantage, not telling you.”

“Oh god, Shoma- Shoma  _ no.”  _ Yuzuru manages out, placing a hesitant hand on his teammate’s shoulder. He doesn’t look at him. “We’re still best friends,” and for some reason that’s suddenly hard to say, and he can’t finish his sentence. “This doesn’t change anything between us, okay?” Shoma shrugs Yuzuru’s hand off of him, and for the first time since he’d walked in, meets his gaze for a few moments before guiltily glancing back. His eyes are glimmering, the tears falling almost too quickly, and it’s all that Yuzuru has not to wipe them away.

“But that’s the thing.” his voice trembles, shaking hands coming up to cover his face. “I wish it  _ did.” _

When Yuzuru doesn’t reply, he continues, “I told myself so many times that you didn’t feel the same and I _ knew _ it, but some part of me was still hoping you did.” he breathes in, shaky. “And I had to tell you. Every time I looked at you I couldn’t stop thinking about it and it  _ hurt.” _

“I’m sorry.” Yuzuru repeats. “I didn’t know you were going through that. If- if I’d known-”

“You couldn’t have done anything. I can’t force you to love me.” Shoma replies quickly, the guilt in his voice all too clear.

“I know, but you’ve been going through this for _ years _ and I didn’t even  _ realise-!”  _ Yuzuru raises his voice and immediately regrets it when Shoma flinches, hands lowering and resting on his knees. Voice softened, he adds, “I’m sorry. It’s just.. you never felt safe telling me.”

“Well, how could I?” Shoma asks. He’s right. “I was scared you would hate me.” and then, quietly, “do you?”

“Shoma,” Yuzuru starts weakly. Clears his throat, blinks quickly to try and get rid of the tears. “I could never hate you. I love you.” he realises what he’s said too late and slaps a hand over his mouth. Shoma looks up, chapped lips parted ever so slightly, expression pained.

“Don’t-” the younger’s words are cut off with a quiet sob. “Don’t  _ say _ that.” he gets up too quickly, shaking too much, and this isn’t how Yuzuru wanted this to go.

“Shoma, wait, I’m sorry, I-” but he doesn’t know what to say. And in the few seconds of silence that follow, Shoma’s gaze lingers, almost expectant. But when Yuzuru says nothing, only feels his breath being taken away, he gives a resigned, sad smile.

“I should leave.” his voice sounds so far away already, unstable and broken. “I’m sorry it had to happen like this.”

He opens the door, the light of the hallway spilling over his features, and is it bad that Yuzuru can only think he looks beautiful, even with the tears that won’t stop falling, even with his hands clenched and trembling at his sides, even as he walks away, barely stopping himself from falling apart and closing the door with a quiet click.

And that’s when it hits him. A sickening, dizzying feeling, slamming into him full force and oh god, suddenly he  _ knows. _

Because friends don’t pay such attention to how the other’s long eyelashes flutter a little when they wake up, the way their breath catches just so when they’re embarrassed, the way their eyes glimmer and lip trembles when they cry. The way that Shoma had glanced back at him, gaze filled with unsaid words and something that had made Yuzuru’s heart skip a beat.

And he thinks back to those long nights spent together, snuggled up closely under a dozen blankets because Shoma liked it best that way, eating the chocolate and sweets that they’d gone out and bought in secret, Yuzuru’s arm comfortable around Shoma’s waist, the other’s gaze soft and affectionate as he’d lay his head on Yuzuru’s shoulder. He’d wondered, back then, what about it was so comfortable; why everything felt so  _ right, _ so at home, even though they were just watching a film together.

And Yuzuru realises, far too late, that he’s in love with Shoma Uno.

**Author's Note:**

> hEEEEEEY!! this is,, messy but i needed to get this out of my system aND angst is just fun sometimes ok  
> hope yall enjoyed!! follow me on twitter/tumblr/insta my username's the same as on here w hoop


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